Embracing this shadow within me as my invaluable teacher, my forever Bulimic Blessing has facilitated my growth and showed me what self-love is. I remain forever grateful to this shadow that allowed me to rediscover my light.
Darling Emily,
Thank you so much for reaching out and having me sit down and write about my blessed though challenging journey through bulimia. The name Bulimia itself to me means a Bully within. Since we have no framework to define how you/we want to do it I will just share what flows through me at this moment. Please feel free to guide, advise, ask anything you wish to get out of me. I take this opportunity to learn more about my True Self and hopefully be of service.
Bulimia for me started at the age of 14 however, I now believe it had its roots much earlier in this life and even in my past lives. I can now say after almost 30 years of my eating disorder struggle that I have healed this part of me, that has been my biggest blessing and has led me to the life I am living now.
I am Daria. The name that my mom chose for me. Not a common one back than but what’s really interesting is that in two of the languages I use daily the core of my name DAR means “gift” and “giving”… so I have been giving both joys and sorrows to my family throughout my life. But, little did anyone know, the sorrows and pains I have been giving myself …kept hidden from the outside world.
I would mainly describe myself as pretty optimistic, joyous and attractive … on the outside. I’ve been blessed with a very privileged life and a loving and supportive family, however, the outside did not match my inside.
I have always searched to understand the world and people not on the paradigm that was presented to me by society, culture or nation but more on a deeper level of the driving force of the individual. My catholic upbringing was too limiting and the questions I was asking were left unanswered so, off I went on the path of self-mental harming. Experiencing continuous rollercoasters of emotional internal drama in order to find answers to what was and still is driving me to such behaviours?
Now looking at it, I was living two lives: one on the outside and one on the inside. Both had only my physical body as a meeting point. All else was like heaven and hell.
To begin with I found my inspiration with Princess Diana. If it wasn’t for her story I would probably have found another way of exploring or exploiting my body, mind and spirt.
Innocently growing into a woman, I struggled to accept the changes to my physical body. Acquiring a vastly different body shape to what I was as a child and what my ideal, or rather my moms, I begun my internal fight. My highly sensitive personality and my yet not firm established mindset became even more fragile and recipient to any comments about myself. The biggest trigger turned out to be coming from the person I love and adore the most, my mom. In hindsight I didn’t understand my mom was also struggling with my changes and the only way she knew how to deal with it was to criticise and judge, not only my body but also my food choices.
I found refuge in my lonely quest to my ideal body. For seven years, every minute of every day, I fought my battle with Bulimia. Sometimes I would feel like a winner when the scale was showing less weight than 3 hours before, only to lose after a hidden binge and would want to die. These seven years were like a vicious circle with my thoughts spinning only around food, diet, body and weight. Diets, fasts, binging, sugar craving, swollen eyes, sore throat were all interweaved with emotional vulnerability and heightened sensitivity. Every time I would go away for summer holidays I would then make it my goal to lose as much weight as possible so to get the praise of everyone’s attention at noticing my slender figure. I always proved to myself that I could lose as much as I wanted and then would come a moment of stress and all I would do was lose myself in binge eating.
So, the happiest I always believed I would be was only possible if I was at my ideal weight of 55kgs. That was my weight when I was 17 years old, already 3 years into bulimia. I felt if I could reach that weight again in my adult life I could move back to being a frivolous and light-hearted teenager and also prove control over my mind. I have managed to get down to 55kgs twice again in my life, both times extremely painful moments: one being very sick and the other when my husband decided in a day to walk out on our family. Both not such happy moments as I imagined 55kgs would feel like.
At the age of 22 I came out and asked for therapy, I could no longer go around that violent mental battle. I was exhausted and felt defeated. During 3 months of summer 2001 I had therapy.
I was so inspired by my therapist. She was on the path of self-growth, attending Tony Robbins seminars, running alternative healing therapy workshops; all that resonated with me. I got hooked to the Self Search and Discovery Quest.
However, little did I know, eliminating only one of bulimia’s symptoms did not leave me healed.
Important to note: My mom never admitted to anyone about my struggle, not even my dad, or sister. It was like a deep dark secret that was hidden away from the perfect outside picture I was presenting as her daughter.
I was thrilled having left back for university after my therapy summer that I was free of my demon. But I wasn’t. Soon after, I met my now ex-husband who turned out to be a personification out my internal demon, only in the human flesh.
My eating habits became extremely orthodoxic. On top of being vegetarian since the age of 20, I literally became neurotic around the subject of food. However, shortly after my graduation and starting my career I fell pregnant with my first son. I was saved by LOVE. The moment Dorian, my first son, came to this world I understood the omnipresent power of Love that drives the world and hoped it could help me heal internally. Family life with two sons and a very disturbed and abusive husband, who was my mental and emotional perpetrator, was taking its toll on me. I was drained and gaunt, shaking inside most of the time but outside, still looking perfect. Again, I was saved by LOVE. Ironically this time it was my husband’s love for another women.
I have come across angels and demons in my life, Thank God Angels have always been largely outnumbered by the demons.
Becoming a single mom and being the only one responsible for my boys I could really start healing on a deeper level. I was left with unconditional LOVE for my sons and YOGA.
My yoga journey started when I was 30 years old and, hand on my heart, Yoga has saved me.
I have been blessed with my guru teacher Nalanie who has been my guiding light alongside other amazing lightworkers. With the studies of science of yoga and spiritual scripts I begun the healing process. It has been quite a journey through light and darkness for the past 13 years; I relapsed twice, meaning it was only two very short episodes of bulimia in my adult life since my Therapy Summer of 2001; both relapses being after a month of intense yoga retreats and training. I feel like I was being tested; how I would pick up from the relapses and what teaching and learning I would apply to it. Studying Science of the mind together with elements of neuroscience, learning about brain plasticity, I created a whole new system of programs and beliefs. I am now a qualified Yoga Therapist and Teacher, on top of being a Life Coach and Family Business holder.
I now know that only connection to the True Self and Self Love can truly heal.
It took me 30 years to realise that on the cellular level. It is so amazingly liberating to be able to be detached from any mental distortion regarding food and body image. Having said that, I stay committed to health and wellness but from a very holistic perspective now. The connection I plug myself into every day helps me to nurture all elements of my being and works on all planes: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
I would never, ever, have done anything on my own. I have come across angels and demons in my life, Thank God Angels have always been largely outnumbered by the demons.
Thank you, Darling Emily, this is yet another beautiful puzzle in the big picture of this beautiful life. Looking forward to hear from you. Have an amazing Day, my fellow miracle Friend.
On your recovery journey through Bulimia ..What would you say your proudest moments are and why?
I do not think I know how to feel proud. The feelings I have mostly associated with throughout the years have been either; in control and out of control. The other side of pride, I know very well, which is shame. I’ve been ashamed of my physical body, ashamed of my lack of discipline, ashamed to be hiding a dark secret; the list could be endless looking back at my struggle.
OMG it’s like opening another door that has been locked for ages…. All aspects of pride including immodesty, superiority, vanity and arrogance were the absolute attributes of the person I shared a big part of my adult life, my ex-husband. And there was me on the other side of the spectrum shy and ashamed inside, stunning on the outside. I cannot stop laughing at this revelation right now, facing the duality of personal characteristics embodied in two people under one roof and creating a family. Let me not drift away with my excitement. Back to the moments which I can only trace back as closest to my personal definition and understanding of pride.
These were the moments of achieving the treasured 55 kgs. on the scale twice in my life, these were the moments when I had received a comment about ‘slimming down’ or ‘looking skinny’ and then my shadows would validate my own perception of my physicality. The moment of completing fasts, water fasts, juice fasts, dry fasts, every moment that would alternate the look of my body. These supposedly proud moments were by no means accompanied by the true joy within. It is painful to see how much nonacceptance, judgement and lack of self-love I carried with me at all times. But, things started shifting when I was blessed with the unconditional love for my boys. It was then that I could start to work with my inner child and start falling in love with her slowly and graciously.
There have been many moments which lead to my separation from my True self and the journey to recognise and reconnect again has taken a long long time.
Now would be the moment that I feel the proudest of me. Having been through such darkness I dedicate every breath to the light now.
In your experience Daria, what tools have helped you process your emotions and traumas most effectively? And, ultimately liberate yourself from your eating disorder..
As the years have been passing by and life lessons I had to face arrayed the whole spectrum of emotions, my overall view has been shifting and changing making me a more and more distant observer and allowing me to see a bigger picture.
I remember not long ago, maybe 1-1,5 years ago I thought to myself “ I don’t want to be 60 and still dealing with my current eating issues”. Out of all the 60.000 thoughts we apparently think daily that one anchored in my mind, and possibly was a very shifting one. From then on I became open to explore the so far unknown to me modalities of healing with plant medicine. Up until then my deep yoga practice was keeping me in reigns, not to fall off the waggon. For sure learning a lot about neuroplasticity from Dr Joe Dispenza and combining the data research with what the yogic scripts teach us have allowed me to alter my mind and thinking process. All of it was happening because of my inner drive to learn and grow.
Funny enough my first and biggest inspiration was my therapist from when I was 21-22. Back then she was already a renowned author in the field of personal growth and hypnotherapy, attending Tony Robbin’s seminars worldwide and what seemed to me back then was creating her life on her terms. Sadly, she committed suicide 7 years later.
I got very encouraged by how freely she lived so I begun to explore the field of coaching and psychology.
At the same time, I began diligently learning about physical health and well-being, becoming an orthodoxic vegan, who was judging everyone not complying with the rules of health according to me (lol). Such a one-pointed mindset went along with me for about 8 years, when I became a wife and a mother and was working for a corporate company, leaving not much room for more exploration.
When I moved to Florida, when the kids were still little, I stopped working and devoted my free time to life coaching training, seminars with Tony Robbins and yoga, the asana path. It was already sufficient to start experiencing shifts that I did not understand back then.
Having moved to Spain I got introduced to a very Precious Spiritual Teacher, Nalanie Chellaram, who has been my mentor, guru, guide and friend to this very day. My exploration into the yogic philosophy and the science of the mind, studying in depth yoga sutras and also reading lots of spiritual literature, biographies of Saints and Sages, have transformed who I thought I was.
Adding on about 5 years.. with a group of fun, joyous and seeking friends, we begun to study A Course in Miracles. This was hardcore to begin with, especially being raised in Catholic dogma and already having set my feet in the all-encompassing and all – accepting Yogic Path… ACIM has been truly transformational. The transition from a fear based Catholic doctrine to a yogic, peace, joy, love and light life style, into full on love mode, has been gigantic. Every year that I pick up ACIM and contemplate lesson by lesson I feel like I am being truer and closer to something that is beyond any words. The in-spiration, the in-spiritness that’s like a flame burning while we walk this earth, having moments of such profound connection, faith and trust, is sometimes so overwhelming. That such love is given to us… we just need to rediscover it behind all the clouds that come our way the second we enter this world.
I now know that only connection to the True Self and Self Love can truly heal.
I know you have a big interest in Psychedelic Healing Daria- Has this interest grown from your own psychedelic mushroom trip experiences?
Psyche – from Latin “breath, life, soul”
Having established a very soothing and healing yoga practice, having my guru – teacher Nalanie at hand, attending talks, courses, sangha’s (church version in yogic community) and having a phenomenal group of likeminded friends I felt my healing was real.
However, just as I finished another beautiful yoga journey and having juice detoxed for a substantial number of days I relapsed into bulimic episode. I then knew there was something still deep inside of me unhealed, unresolved that was occupying the divine space inside myself.
So, when the door to having a psychedelic mushroom trip opened I was more then happy to try it out. Especially sharing the experience with my joyous happy bunch of friends was super encouraging. Off I set on another soul-searching journey hoping that by the time I am a senior woman I will be healed from this draining element of my existence.
As much as a facilitated and safe trip could be, during my first experience I immediately noticed a greater connection with nature, with its all elements. At the same time, I felt more in tune with my body, hearing it more, noticing very peaceful and balanced emotions regarding all aspects of my life. Since I am a very clean with my life style I began my inner exploration with mushrooms. I so far had about 8-10 trips each opening new doors, each helping me process emotions and traumas much more effectively if I may define it like this. One especially profound experience I have had just after my beloved grand mom passed on. At the time I lost her I suffered from an awful betrayal of my best friend who was disloyal to me with my own mom, who for the first time in my life, turned her back on me. It felt like I had lost 3 of my dearest and closest people in my life in a spare moment. I was not prepared for it at all. My world collapsed and my safety and fundaments were shaken to its core.
My Psychedelic trip straight after this event helped out to process the heavy emotional pain and trauma I had to face. It gave me new insight and broadened my perspective on life without making me feel like a victim. I drew lessons from this experience that allowed myself to move on, giving myself time to process and heal fully.
Shortly after, with divine synchronicity, I got offered to join an ayahuasca retreat. What I avoided for years hit me straight in the face. After such a depleting time, when I need to replenish and rest, I instead gave myself the most hard-core spiritual experience of my life. It was and still is a process that was initiated the night I took ayahuasca. Disgusting, awful, unsafe, horrible, a painful experience on the physical plane that allowed me to access the wound that was causing me self-flagellation for all these years. My body was desperately trying for hours and hours to rid itself of something that was so deeply rooted in my base chakra. It was rising up to my throat in the form of an energy sphere and would get stuck and decline to leave my body. It was torturous and brutal. After about 5 to 7 hours of my anguish, praying to all saints and sages and accented Masters and asking for support in releasing it in this life time it finally left my body and put me straight to sleep from exhaustion. Processing ayahuasca has been a very challenging time. I was doubtful of all healing modalities and questioned the sense of life. Everything and everyone seemed to have been conspiring against me, my family, my son, my disloyal friend, my sense of safety, all got me heading down into the darkness.
In that darkness I had been missing out the healing element of my eating disorder. It went unnoticed. Very weird, but it lost its meaning and my energy was not directed on that thought path. So strange, like it has been fading away, disappearing and gone within a few months. I did not understand the deeper meaning of it all back then but as time has passed I have started noticing a very relaxed and healthy relationship with my body and food.
Every step I took on the way was necessary for me to be where I’m at now.
In the meantime, miraculously, I happened to be driving by a very powerful place of worship; Montserrat, in the North of Spain, miraculously again on an Easter Sunday, the day celebrated to be the Resurrection of Jesus, when Jesus had risen from the dead.
I experienced a strong pull to get of the route and stop by there. At that time I was already in such a dark place that suicidal thoughts were more and more often present in my mind.
Arriving at Montserrat I felt like I got plugged into a nuclear divine energy source. The energy that started flowing through, or in other words got liberated to flow, was something like I have never experienced before. I was saved on that day. I got reborn again. I bounced back from the darkness into the light. (Today’s ACIM Lesson 302 Where darkness was, I look upon the light)
I had no idea how profoundly past trauma can be settled in our bodies.
Every step I took on the way was necessary for me to be where I’m at now.
It was not easy to gain liberation from the eating disorder, which is not mine anymore, but worth it. Maybe it has never been mine to begin with. Maybe it had to serve some greater purpose that I am yet to discover with more steps I take on this beautiful planet Earth and beyond.
With the telling of your dark secret, your deep soulful self discoveries and strengthening of spirit.. Would you say you have now befriended the bully within?
Every little step on my path has been accompanied not only by the “Bully” but also by my guiding and Guardian Angels and all other Angels too. The thing is I was giving my power and focus to the unreal Bully and while it was fed and strengthened by my energy I was missing out on the beautiful liberated experience of life. Instead I was living in fear of my imperfect body.
The Bully was never real, only Love was and is.
As the real healing process begun I recognised it, the stronger I grew and the less and less attention the Bully was getting. I also started to recognise moments in the moon and menstrual cycle, where it would grow in power and also when it would get weaker.
Then I started defining and addressing the emotions. By gaining more knowledge and understanding I would become more and more liberated. The insights were only possible in the moments of stillness, quietness and peace, even when the outside world would crumble down. I’d force my butt to sit and breath and observe what was going on within me. After months and months of meditating it all started shifting.
Embracing this shadow within me as my invaluable teacher, my forever Bulimic Blessing has facilitated my growth and showed me what self-love is. I remain forever grateful to this shadow that allowed me to rediscover my light.
Answering your Question; Yes, I befriended and even started loving the Bully. The Bully was never real, only Love was and is. I choose love and laughter. Laughter is such a powerful tool when dismantling the Bully from its strength. By focusing on the light and lightness of my body and mind I hopefully enable my soul to live a life of joy and bliss.
A message from me, Emily.
I am deeply and profoundly grateful to Daria for sharing her darkest thoughts and shining her beloved light through her story.
From around the age of 10 until my early 20’s Bulimia was also my blessing. A shadow, a bully, a friend, a challenge, a fight, a struggle, moments of clarity, deep self loathing, deep self-love, a rollercoaster of emotions.. let it be your teacher.
I have yet to try psychedelic mushrooms but as Daria told me; when the time is right, you’ll know!
If this resonates with you.. let us know in the comment box below.
Much Love as always. Emily xxxx
